Love NEVER Dies...

For those of you that are wondering, Mr. Puffy Duffy Fluffy Nickers (what I affectionately called him, but aka Nico) had to be euthanized yesterday afternoon. He had gotten very ill on Sunday morning,( I'm not sure if he knew what was happening to him, and I don't what to know).  his face was heavily swollen, his normal pink colored paw pads and nose had turned to gray, he vomited once, and he was in a lot of pain, so we rushed him to the vet as soon as possible. They did blood work on him and put him on oxygen and injected him with fluids and steroids. They sent him home with us with special food for him and antibotics for him. That day I didn't even bother to eat or drink anything, I sat down by Nico's side day and night; I ate 2 things that day, dinner and a snack, that was all. I had told him that he would get better tomorrow, but I regret saying that...

Monday morning was the saddest day of my life. Nico had many "seizures" that day, and he flipped off my bed and knocked the breath out of him, so I did feline CPR, thankfully that worked and I got him breathing again, but about fainted myself after words. He had another one when he went in the car (and no he wasn't in a crate) he was laying on my lap in the passenger's seat, and when he had that seizure, he about flipped under the driver's seat, but I caught him mid-air before that happened. When we arrived at the vet, I speed-walked in with Nico, and shortly after I gave him to the vet, he stopped breathing, his heart was still beating, so they put him on oxygen again, but they told me that he now couldn't live without the use of the vet's oxygen, so they gave me 2 options: take him home and have him die at home but be in terrible  pain until he dies, or have him be euthanized. I knew what my choice was long before they gave me my options. I choose euthanizing for a number of reasons, but I think Nico wanted his pain to go away, so I spoke for him, I like to think that he appreciated my choice for him, I'm glad I got to see him in his last moments of life. While it was painful for me to watch him be put down, I think it helped him stay calm while I was with him, holding his paw and petting him while they did what was needed. They told me that it would be shocking to see him hooked up to oxygen and while they were euthanizing him, but really I thought watching him living in misery and pain was more shocking. The kindest act of love I ever did for him was probably ask to have his life ended that day. The only thing I regret (besides him dying) was to ask them if I could hold him while he was being put down. But I'm glad I got a few minutes of peace and quite by myself and him after he had been euthanized, and I swear I saw him blink at me once and try to nuzzle under my chin as I held him close to my chest. 

My mom petting Nico shortly after he was put down.

He died with his mouth open where he was hooked up to oxygen. The orange blanket the vet had rapped him up in came home with me and I slept will it all night last night. Nico will be cremated privately according to his vet papers and he should come "back" home to us in 1-3 weeks. I don't know what they do with pets before its time to cremate them, I think I read somewhere that they're kept in a freezer or cooler room so they don't start to smell (I regret not asking).  I just hope he is being treated respectfully as I write this. Anyways, they were nice enough to make me a paw print from his paw and let me take it home (it just needs to dry) and I got to keep some of his furs and a few whiskers. Which I greatly appreciated. 

For Nico: 8/14/2008 to 7/14/2014.

It hurts to be the one

That had to make the choice

Your life rested in my hands

I had to be your voice

I hope you will forgive me

I had to sever the tie

I knew you wouldn’t leave me

You would never say goodbye

Our bond will never be broken

I know this to be true

And when I leave this earth

I have you to look forward to

For now I can only tell you

That I miss you dearly my friend

I’m learning to smile through the days

But you know it’s only pretend

I still see you when I close my eyes

And feel you through and through

This empty place inside my heart

Can be filled by only you

~~~

They say memories are golden

well maybe that is true.

I never wanted memories,

I only wanted you.

A million times I needed you,

a million times I cried.

If love alone could have saved you

you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,

In death I love you still.

In my heart you hold a place

no one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway

and heartache make a lane,

I’d walk the path to heaven

and bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken,

and nothing seems the same.

But as we are called one by one,

the chain will link again.

~~~

Do not stand at my grave and weep. 

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there, I did NOT die...

Rest in peace my darling boy, mommy will ALWAYS love you.

Ragdoll Mommy~